Today’s review is about LETTER TO MY TRANSGENDER DAUGHTER by Carolyn Hays. This is a memoir from the perspective of the mother of a trans daughter. The memoir centers around the moment they got a knock on their door from the Department of Children and Families to investigate the safety of their daughter.
Author: Carolyn Hays
Series: None
Age Category: Adult
Publisher: Blair
Publish Date: October 31, 2023
Print Length: 282
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Letter To My Transgender Daughter Synopsis
Synopsis
A parent’s love letter to a daughter who has always known exactly who she is.
One ordinary day, a caseworker from the Department of Children and Families knocked on the Hays family’s door to investigate an anonymous complaint about the upbringing of their transgender child. It was this knock, this threat, that began the family’s journey out of the Bible Belt but never far from the hate and fear resting at the nation’s core.
Self-aware and intimate, Letter to My Transgender Daughter asks us all to love better, not just for the sake of Hays’s child but for children everywhere enduring injustice and prejudice just as they begin to understand themselves. Letter to My Transgender Daughter is a call to action, an ode to community, a plea for empathy, a hope for a better future. Letter to My Transgender Daughter is a love letter to a child who has always known exactly who she is-and who is waiting for the rest of the world to catch up.
The paperback release includes key additions to the text, including a reader’s discussion guide, an interview with the author, and a list of resources and links for LGBTQ+ individuals, families, and allies.
Letter To My Transgender Daughter Review
LETTER TO MY TRANSGENDER DAUGHTER is a memoir of sorts written by a mother, Carolyn Hays, whose daughter is trans. This book is more or less organized in two main parts: before and after the Department of Children and Families knocked on the author’s door. In the first part, the author writes about how her daughter knew early on she was a girl. This led to Hays seeking information about how to best raise a trans child in a way that would affirm her, but would also keep her safety in mind, particularly in a southern state and at a time when there was less of an LGBTQ+ movement than there is currently. The period of raising her child wasn’t in the distant past; rather, it was mainly in the 2010s. But even just 10-15 years ago being openly trans was not as common relative to now, especially in conservative states.
Hays, who is an academic, also launches into learning about trans history. She learns that much of it has been hidden from view, but trans people have been in society all along. When the government knocks on her door to do their investigation, Hays and her family launch into a flurry of action to make sure it’s known how safe and loved their daughter is in their family. It’s this incident that bursts their bubble and causes her family to move to the northeast to an area that is more accepting of the LGBTQ+ community. Once there, a good portion of the second half talks about who Hays, her husband, and daughter decided to inform about the daughter being trans. School officials were informed and were incredibly supportive. But Hays and her husband let their daughter decide who she felt comfortable telling, if she wanted to say anything at all. What this broadly gets at is they’re not ashamed about having a trans daughter, but they have to consider the safety of their child, even if the community appears to be supportive. They also want to respect their daughter’s preferences because it’s her “story” to tell, not theirs.
LETTER TO MY TRANSGENDER DAUGHTER was interesting in that it was from a different perspective. Many LGBTQ+ books are from the perspective of an LGBTQ+ person, which is obviously a valid perspective. However, this is the first I’ve come across from the point of view of someone who advocates for, protects, and parents that LGBTQ+ individual. That POV is equally as valid, but isn’t represented nearly as much in literature (at least in my observation). I’d say Hays is fairly frank about not knowing what to do at first in terms of what to expect or how to support her daughter, or what dangers are out there, or confronting transphobia she and her husband didn’t realize they had.
However, I felt like the manner in which Hays explains it is not incredibly approachable. That’s is my main critique about this memoir. Hays states this book is like a letter of love for her daughter, which is great. But the story and processing of everything jumps around time wise, which makes it a little difficult to follow at times. I think this is because things are organized loosely into themes. It may also be because Hays wants to obfuscate things for privacy concerns. Additionally, because Hays is an academic, the writing style is both academic and poetic. This is definitely a personal preference, but that combination is usually one that makes it difficult for me to read. If one of Hays’s intention for this book was to also help out other parents, I’m not sure how well it does that.
My other critique is that the author mentions Harry Potter in a context that I think many trans people might find offensive. It was in a paragraph listing other movies or shows that she watched with her daughter, so that could be why she mentioned it. Meaning, her daughter was potentially fine with it. But it just struck me as odd given JKR’s track record with the trans community.
That said, I think LETTER TO MY TRANSGENDER DAUGHTER is an important perspective to have in the umbrella of LGBTQ+ literature. I’m glad I read it, and there are some important things I took from it. But I’m not sure it provides the reader with much emotional connection, which I can imagine might be important for a parent in a similar position who’s looking to connect with someone’s similar experience. (However, I’m not a parent, so I realize my perception of this is limited.)
Rating: 3.5
Content warnings: transphobia
Reading format: Paperback
The title, to me, sounds like it might be a good book for other parents of trans kids to read, I guess that’s what I’d expect picking it up. I would want something more emotional because of the word “letter” in the title, though. But it sounds interesting!
Im surprised to hear that this isn’t more emotional given the fact that its written by a parent to their daughter. Its a shame as it sounds interesting overall but with this kind of read you also want that emotional spark. It definitely sounds like an interesting prospective though.